Corrupt-a-wish (Brought to you by Mly copy-pasting a copy-paste to the nth degree.)

Nooblet

Granted, but the onion has little known magical powers, which, instead of making you cry, they make you laugh maniacally forever, as you did above.

I wish I had some bad ass line I can use to intimidate opponents. Example: I am the Sushi Saint, son of Kronos, brother of Poseidon, slayer of Porphyrion, and master of Canta Slaus.

Nooblet

Granted, but the line is used in every situation you can intimidate your enemy (a la anime), leaving you open for a certain enemy who will deal with you NOW. I wish I had a clock tower.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. Unfortunately, it's from Castlevania.

I wish I had an average-sized apple.

Nooblet

Granted, but as try to take a big bite out of it, you end up biting a Mac, and look like a foolish man. (Macs are Apple.)

I wish I was the final boss in a popular video game, with the background music being something like this.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. Unfortunately, you're a joke. You are therefore defeated easily, and go down in gaming infamy.

I wish for an ordinary banana. It doesn't have problems, it's not too big, not too small, not bruised, and not poisoness. Also my mind can comprehend it.

Mod

Granted, but that's the last food you get. Ever.

I wish for five dollars.

Nooblet

Granted, but due to the kindness of your heart, you give it to me.

I wish for a rocket launcher.

Nooblet

Granted, unfortunately, the RPG itself is the rocket, so it takes you to wherever you shot the rocket at. I wish for a Tails plushy.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. Unfortunately, a real fox comes and rips it up.

I wish I had a comfy bed.

Mod

Granted, but it's comfy because it's made of drug-infused foam. The police find it and confiscate it, and you get a hefty fine.

I wish I had oatmeal with strawberries.

Nooblet

Granted, but due to the kindness of your heart, and time paradoxes, you give it to me.

I wish my first world problem of having too many video games to complete would go away.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. But now you have the problem of too much time on your hands. You explode from sheer amounts of stir-craziness.

I wish there was no more obesity.

Nooblet

Granted, but we get twice the amount of cancer.

I wish for world peace or world domination with me being the leader. You can pick one.

Nooblet

You become the ruler of the world, for one second only before the armies overthrow you. I wish I had the biggest sound speakers in the world.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. The decibel levels end up destroying the speakers after one second of music.

I wish I was an hero.

Nooblet

Granted, but somehow you made an accident accidentally, and now you're the villain. I wish I had a nice TV show to watch.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. But the show is nice yet you hate it, ruining your evening.

I wish I was in sports.

Nooblet

Granted, but you're too sporty to the point that your muscles could pull the Earth to the sun. I wish I had a new trench coat.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted. People think you're suspicious, and kill you.

I wish I had a nice hat.

Nooblet

Granted. Its a hat with a rocket inside, so it blasts you with the fire part. I wish I had a teleporter.

Mod

Granted, but you accidentally teleport your body inside a wall and die. I wish I had moar games.

Nooblet

Granted, you get millions of copies of Sonic 06.

I wish for a Mario coin.

Chief Sergeant Major of the Obvious

Granted, but as soon as you collect it, it dissappears, and you have no idea where it went.

I wish I was suffering.

Nooblet

Granted, but I come along, and suddenly your day gets better.

I wish for power.

Mod

Granted. You have the power to control all the Tasmanian tigers as your personal army. Unfortunately, they went extinct in 1936.

I wish for a piece of paper.